I do not know how to blog. This blog is not one of intellectual prowess, I find it perplexing that you should take the time to read it, but here I am, honest and open with my struggles, knowing that through wrestling with these issues, God will transform my heart. I am consistently finding myself in desperation. The Kingdom of God is at hand. Yahweh is in control, yet I am subject to a nearly continuous feeling of urgency. I want God. Now. We live between Jesus’ two comings and have been commissioned to be lights to His world, dull as we may shine. How do I, a 20 year old child with close to no knowledge of my Creator and his ways, not only accept this mission, but enter into it with faith? Is the answer found in words? And furthermore, who is able to articulate this answer? Search your soul and answer me this, how do we, as servants of the Most High, bear witness to the world of the reality of the Kingdom and the good news therein? I feel wholly inept, but in my immense feeling of inadequacy, I find a crucial dependence upon the Lord. You and I are called to respond to His word, and I find myself stymied. If my soul had a face, surely the expression would be one of wide eyed, restless confusion. I long to venture further into this journey set before me, but am overcome by a feeling that I will only blunder about, hoping that I may somehow bump into God. To depart from our threshold of comfort devoid of God would be foolish, yet it is necessary to find the balance between knowing God will come through for us, and operating under a false justification that we are acting in the will of God, for his Kingdom.
As I struggle with these same things, what someone really wise once said to me is that God never “shows up.” God is already here (or there, you get the point). I have a huge self-sufficiency complex, so I allow ventures to seem so huge and lonely, but the thing that I constantly come back to is that God is always there. By my side, by our sides.
Eric, I’m glad you found some significance in my words. I hope that God speaks to you as you pursue an answer in Him!
Thanks for your beautiful honesty. Good to know that we’re not alone in this desperation.
Lauren
“Search your soul and answer me this, how do we, as servants of the Most High, bear witness to the world of the reality of the Kingdom and the good news therein? I feel wholly inept, but in my immense feeling of inadequacy, I find a crucial dependence upon the Lord.”
I re-blogged this as a quote, It really resonates well in me.
No one can fully comprehend what God has in store for us in his Kingdom. The only thing we can do is have faith and wait until the day that shalom is restored. Until then, I choose to stand in awe at the beauty of His creation he has graciously given us right here and now.